It’s tricky this blog malarkey; you’ve got to think of things that not only are worth talking about but are also entertaining for the reader. Yes, yes, I can hear the voices, “WELL YOU DON’T SEEM TO HAVE BOTHERED TO THINK OF ANYTHING WORTHWHILE OR ENTERTAINING IN YOUR BLOGS SO FAR”. But I don’t listen to the voices, not since the incident at that school.
I try very hard not to just moan and gripe about things, but let’s face it, perky happy stuff isn’t as much fun to read, and it appeals to less people too. Here’s an example.
My mate, ‘Drew, took me to XOYO in London on Monday night to see a band called Fun. They were absolutely majestic and I felt like an excited teenager even though I’m actually a hundred and twelve. ‘Drew was great company and we had a grand old time.
Boring isn’t it? Why do you care what bands I like or what sort of a night I had? And if I’d carried on writing about it you would have clicked away, perhaps to see some footage of a duck on a skateboard. Or a hippo on a surfboard. Or a hippo ducking to get out of the way of a bored surfer on roller skates.
So I’ve got to keep your interest, “WELL YOU DON’T SEEM TO HAVE BOTHERED TRYING TO KEEP OUR INTEREST SO FAR”. Shut your fucking hole.
So let’s think of something else, something where I’m not waxing lyrical, but where I’m not moaning either. Ah, how about I write about people who moan about stuff that’s really obvious? I’ll still be sort of moaning but I’ll be highlighting the moaners. So really I’ll actually be sort of being positive. We’ll pretend it’s clever and ironic, perhaps we’ll even say it’s post-modern, but let’s be honest, none of us really knows what that means.
So here goes, let’s start afresh…
Let’s stop stating the bloody obvious now shall we?
I was in London at the weekend with someone who isn’t in London very often. We were at Earls Court. It doesn’t matter what event we were attending, just that we were buying drinks at the bar. Actually, ‘we’ weren’t buying the drinks, I was. The barman put the two beers on the bar in front of us and said “£9.40 please”. The bloke with me exclaimed in a loud voice, “Nine pound forty, NINE POUND FORTY. WE JUST WANTED SOME BEERS, NOT THE WHOLE BREWERY”. It wasn’t massively embarrassing but it wasn’t ideal. The barman hadn’t set the tariff; he was probably earning about the price of those two beers for an hour’s work. He didn’t need to be reminded again how expensive they were, especially with the statement all wrapped up in that age-old curmudgeonly gag . A gag that doesn’t work anyway – even with the liquor trade struggling in this particular economic climate, I still reckon you’d pay well in excess of £9.40 for an actual brewery.
London’s pricey. Venues like Earls Court are pricey. The vendors get charged a huge wedge to set up shop there. Places like that have always been pricey. IT’S NOTHING NEW.
How many of you have had the following experience? Let’s see… You’re in a cinema, perhaps with someone older than you, maybe a parent, maybe a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend. Why am I listing variations of people with whom you might be at the cinema? Too late now, it’s typed. And my delete key is broken. So you’re in the cinema and you decide you’ll get yourselves a drink, and then the ice-cream catches your eye. It looks nice and you’re tempted. And then… That person with whom you are at the cinema suddenly pipes up, deliberately loudly enough for the person behind the till (who doesn’t care by the way) to hear. “FOUR QUID FOR THAT LITTLE TUB OF ICE-CREAM. THERE’S BARELY A SCOOP IN THERE. YOU CAN GET 5 LITRES FOR LESS THAN THAT AT ASDA”.
Food and drink in cinemas has always been expensive. It’s nothing new. If it was cheaper then the ticket prices would go up. If you want to eat a bucket of raspberry ripple for a couple of quid then by all means leave the cinema, go to the supermarket. Then go home and eat it. With your hands. On the toilet.
Had that experience? Been the one who said the four quid thing? Hmmm…
Right, this article has gone on much longer than I had planned. “YEAH, LIKE YOU PLAN WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO WRITE, YOU DON’T JUST START TYPING ANY OLD SHITE THAT COMES INTO YOUR HEAD”. Right that’s fucking it. I will hurt your face. I’ll just rattle through the other examples in this frightfully well observed piece, then we can go and look at footage of a duck planking.
Christmas stuff appears in supermarkets in about October. It has done for years. It’s no surprise that it does. We don’t need to comment on it every year. Please, can we not?
Formula One pit teams are really good at changing wheels really quickly. They have special machinery and just carry out one task each in a meticulously rehearsed procedure. It takes much longer on your own car because it’s just you, a jack and a crappy spannery thing. We don’t have to note the difference whenever we hear the commentator tell us the time of the last pit stop.
Some products that obviously contain nuts have the warning: “contains nuts” printed on the packaging. It’s quite ironic, I suppose, but it’s not new and the reason it’s there is because there’s always some twat who will sue them otherwise for not warning him about the nuts the product obviously contains. We don’t still need to keep pointing it out. Do we?
Some football players pretend they’ve been fouled and then feign injury. Rugby players don’t tend to. Get over it.
And lastly. High Street coffee shops sell lots of variations on the coffee theme. Back in the early nineties, stand-up comedians did shouty routines about this. They shouted how they just wanted a normal coffee, not a mocha-capa-frapacino. It got laughs. In the early nineties. Coffee shops have peddled lattes, espressos, cappuccinos, americanos and a variety of other coffee-based drinks for a long time now. There’s clearly a market for it or they wouldn’t bother. Do we still have to comment on it every time we pass a Caffe Nero?
I’m sure there are loads of others – let me know if you think of any. Get down with the comments. Speak, so that I may see you.
No faces were harmed during the writing of this piece.